How do I feel? Not lonely. Not empty. Maybe I feel shallow. According to Webster dictionary, one definition of shallow is “lacking in depth or solidity, or a lack of emotions or character”
Something is missing in my life, and I am missing out.
Maybe feeling empty is a better term as empty is defined as, “containing nothing, not occupied or inhabited, lacking reality, substance, meaning, or value: hallow, destitute of effort or force, devoid of sense: Foolish.” Also, according to Webster dictionary.
I cannot describe how I am feeling because I am feeling nothing. But how can you feel nothing when the feeling of nothing is a feeling?
I see her in my make-believe, and I feel comfort and because I cannot talk with or touch her, I feel lonely. There is no compromise or a way to transform fantasy into reality. The void is fixed, and the flower will not bloom.
How do I feel about my feeling when my thoughts about my feelings are as vague as my feelings. Is there a way to energize myself when I am unclear of what is lacking?
I make love to her within the vacuum of my conscious where all matter is removed, and so, she can not experience the touch of my hands upon her or hear the sound of my voice telling her that I love her.
I feel like crying but that is a waste of tears for one such as myself who is not deserving of sorrow and compassion, much less the luxury of self-pity.
So, what do I do when I have no idea what to do? And where do I go when all directions lead me back to myself.
According to my definition, I am death waiting for burial and a corpse with an overdue appointment to rot. But that is the lowest spectrum of my definition of myself as a higher level of my self-evaluation has promise and accomplishment.
The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years could care less about how I feel about myself or about whether my life is empty or filled.
I can hold and kiss her until our lips fall apart in my make-believe and it means nothing to the next tick on the clock or the next to last beat of my heart.
Therefore, how do I describe how I am feeling when my feelings are without significance to anyone? What do my feelings matter when she is only a figment of my isolation?
I have no way to explain how I am feeling, but what does it matter, and who cares?