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How Do I Feel?

How do I feel? Not lonely. Not empty. Maybe I feel shallow. According to Webster dictionary, one definition of shallow is “lacking in depth or solidity, or a lack of emotions or character”

Something is missing in my life, and I am missing out.

Maybe feeling empty is a better term as empty is defined as, “containing nothing, not occupied or inhabited, lacking reality, substance, meaning, or value: hallow, destitute of effort or force, devoid of sense: Foolish.” Also, according to Webster dictionary.

I cannot describe how I am feeling because I am feeling nothing. But how can you feel nothing when the feeling of nothing is a feeling?

I see her in my make-believe, and I feel comfort and because I cannot talk with or touch her, I feel lonely. There is no compromise or a way to transform fantasy into reality. The void is fixed, and the flower will not bloom.

How do I feel about my feeling when my thoughts about my feelings are as vague as my feelings. Is there a way to energize myself when I am unclear of what is lacking?

I make love to her within the vacuum of my conscious where all matter is removed, and so, she can not experience the touch of my hands upon her or hear the sound of my voice telling her that I love her.

I feel like crying but that is a waste of tears for one such as myself who is not deserving of sorrow and compassion, much less the luxury of self-pity.

So, what do I do when I have no idea what to do? And where do I go when all directions lead me back to myself.

According to my definition, I am death waiting for burial and a corpse with an overdue appointment to rot. But that is the lowest spectrum of my definition of myself as a higher level of my self-evaluation has promise and accomplishment.

The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years could care less about how I feel about myself or about whether my life is empty or filled.

I can hold and kiss her until our lips fall apart in my make-believe and it means nothing to the next tick on the clock or the next to last beat of my heart.

Therefore, how do I describe how I am feeling when my feelings are without significance to anyone? What do my feelings matter when she is only a figment of my isolation?

I have no way to explain how I am feeling, but what does it matter, and who cares?

I Don’t Want to be Alone and Lonely

RecentPosts / Herbert Hilliard

I Don’t Want to be Alone and Lonely.

Humans are encoded to be social creatures. It is grafted into our genes to have companionship. Preferring solitude is not the norm and this psychological characteristic usually has some underlying motive(s) behind it.

Touching and being touched in a wholesome manner brings out the best in a person. Feeling connected gives a person a sense of being. That being said, there are circumstances where preferring solitude is a sound alternative in order to maintain one’s emotional stability and even one’s health.

It is not attractive to be alone and lonely however this state is far better than living in the constant state of anxiety that being with the wrong companion brings. Existing with an incompatible companion is insanity that leads to a variety of negative consequences. This living environment brings no satisfaction, joy, nor calm into a person’s life.

It is a place where no one honestly wants to be. But it happens, and when it does, run for your life because that is what is a stake. One day leads to another and each day has an array of heartaches, headaches, anguish, and distresses that must be endured.

There is this one particular idiot that I know intimately who has placed himself into this disagreeable predicament more than once. The bizarre thing about him is that he knew full well on each occasion that he was unwittingly heading into quicksand. Knowing this was an error in judgment, instead of avoiding the quicksand, he willingly walked straight into it.

When he began sinking, instead of pulling himself out of the mire, he did everything possible that caused him to sink deeper and quicker.

I cannot fathom what one would call this type of personality because it goes beyond the scope of reason and common sense. It is like a sickness that wants to get sicker and being in the possession of a mindset that is fatally stupid.

After he finally extricated himself from the latest deplorable situation that he placed himself in he reached the conclusion that his best bet is to be alone.

He hates the consequences of solitude but seeing that he has a relentless propensity for chronically making bad choices and decisions he has consigned himself to separation.

I know this dimwit intimately, and I grieve for him, but I feel no sympathy for him because he is getting exactly what he deserves. A fool and his foolishness will reap his foolish rewards, and no one need trouble themselves over him because he is not worthy of the energy that it will take to do this.

Reeling within the turbulent grip of stormy nights and tossed by tempestuous days, it is far better to be alone than to exist in turmoil, confusion, mistrust, and chaos. Misery can find it’s very own company and insanity can hide beneath the bed sheets.

Today is here, and in the twinkling of the eye, today is no more. Peace and rest come to those who look for it and who know how to appreciate it once they find it.

It is hard to be alone and lonely, but a negative alternative is far, far worse than going solo.

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